Midwest Chick's Place

(A.K.A. Non-Original Rants)

–Co-opting good stuff from all over the ‘Net and maybe some original thoughts—ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

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A father’s last gift

Nine years ago, my dad, the guy who raised me, caught the boat to the next world. I truly believe that his passing was his last gift to me.

Allow me to explain: he had Parkinson’s and some dementia and was becoming unable to swallow. He’d been on special foods for a year (and hated them). He had a special cup that would only dispense a certain amount of liquid so he wouldn’t choke. Hated that too.

His bright spots were some beer that we snuck in and a trip outside the facility walls so he could see the fields. Those wouldn’t have happened without the insistence of someone who knew those things were more important than rules and I have no words to convey the thanks for that.

We were at the point where feeding tubes were brought up by the facility. His living will and his medical power of attorney as well as his stated wishes said that was a no-go. It was going to be a fight regardless.

For three or four months he’d talked about going to ‘get on the boat’ and he didn’t want to be late. Books that I read said that it’s a sign that people know their time is coming. Every time he mentioned it, I’d say that we have the tickets but it doesn’t leave until the next Thursday. It worked for a while.

He had a stroke on a Monday night/Tuesday morning, became mostly unresponsive on Wednesday, and was gone on Thursday, the week we were going to have to have that talk.

I think he didn’t want me to have that burden so he did me a solid–a last gift and found his way to get to the boat on time. And I miss him.

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17 responses to “A father’s last gift”

  1. dave in pa. Avatar
    dave in pa.

    funny/weird. but my dad said he was “going home” the day before he passed. we wonder how on earth we where going to
    manage that one. not as bad as your Dad. but I spent the two years before helping Mom out with him before we went the “home” route. used to go over there at 4 am, get him up and in the shower, make him eat real food and then left for work ay 630. got back around 330 or 4 and helped Mom some more. his last 3 months where in a home.
    the morning of his passing, he had a good meal, took a nap.
    ate some lunch and then napped again. at 3 pm he was gone. as Mom said, he took a big breath and was gone.
    quiet, no more pain.. small smile on his face.
    going in your sleep is the best I seen so far. I hope to go out the same way. I miss him and my Mom everyday anymore.
    talking to them about all of the stupid shit going on in the world. I often wonder what they would say about today?

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  2. rht447 Avatar
    rht447

    When old man dies, somewhere a library burns.

    He was inducted just prior to WWII. He served for the entire war, winding up as a B-17 pilot flying 35 combat missions over Europe. One day in my early forties, he was visiting us (wife plus his three grand kids). He casually remarked that he could see the way the world was going, and that, “I’m glad I won’t be here to see it” At the time, I put it down to his being tired. Now? I get it.

    For now, I am still in the fight. I have a four year old grandson to pass on as much as I am able. I like the line from “Gladiator”–“I WILL see you again, but not yet. Not yet.

    I have this bookmarked–

    https://www.daybydaycartoon.com/comic/no-more-fences/

    We are diminished.

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  3. wv citybilly Avatar
    wv citybilly

    Sorry for your loss.

    Heavy sigh.

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  4. dave in pa. Avatar
    dave in pa.

    my Dad changed his last name and joined the navy because he didn’t want to wear a tie. yeah. no shit. got a navy cross and 15-6 or so battle stars out of it all. about the only thing he missed was pearl harbor. didn’t talk about it much until after I “came home” after my time in the “shit” as he called it.
    he was easy to talk too after that. used to drink beer on the back porch and talk about the stupid stuff going on at the time.
    he enjoyed playing with the grandkids and dogs. or just watching them play as we shared a beer or three in the shade. he is missed greatly these days.

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  5. Midwest Chick Avatar
    Midwest Chick

    dave–Yep–that’s about the best way you could ask for and I am sorry for the loss of both your father and mother. For myself, I’m glad both aren’t here to see it.

    rht–A picture says a thousand words. Thanks for that. I am sorry for your loss.

    wv–Thank you! It’s been a while but some days it’s hard.

    dave–Glad you had time to hear his stories and spend some good times together. Yeah, I get it….

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  6. p2 Avatar
    p2

    Lost my dad 16 years ago after 8 or 9 years of his fighting cancer. Miss him every day. He’d be 92 this year. We have a few fingers of single malt together every holiday, Father’s day & on his birth & death days. He may not be here physically but I can still feel him around every now & then. I’m trying to pass as much on as I can to my better 3/4’s youngsters, although I don’t feel nearly as adequate as he or his dad were.

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  7. Unferth Avatar
    Unferth

    I had medical power of attorney for Roy, a father figure, mentor, and my best friend. Roy had dementia which brought paranoia. His only child worshiped the ground he walked on — and she did absolutely right by him.

    When she found out that I had medical power of attorney for her dad, she was pretty upset. Why was he giving me that honor when she had done so much to take care of him? Luckily he told me why, he didn’t want her going through the rest of her life knowing that she pulled the plug on her dad.

    Roy passed about 9 years ago. A few years later, I pulled the plug on his wife — with their daughter standing beside me.

    If I’m honest, as much as I loved Roy and his wife, I’ve never cried for either of them. Not one single tear. Why? Because I found out that Roy passed as I was driving home from my grandson’s funeral — and 9 years later, I’m still not over that.

    Even though I’m way too young for it to be true, I’m the oldest one still standing. Everyone from the previous generation is gone. My older siblings and older cousins all died young, on average in their early 50s. None of them made it to retirement.

    When I was little, less than 5, my siblings and I would always tell our grandparents, “I want you to live to be 100.” They would always go deadly serious and say, “No. I never want to be a burden to anyone. I want to die first.”

    I didn’t understand it at 4. I understand it now.

    I’m sorry for your loss.

    At some point, after the funeral, after the well wishers have faded back into the woodwork, it might be therapeutic to put together a family book / photo book for your father. Scan in photos, write the stories you remember. Start with just gathering information, and don’t worry about organization. Pick a date in the future where you’ll stop actively gathering and start organizing.

    For my sister’s family book, I’ve organized the chapters by families. Oldest to youngest. Pictures and stories in roughly chronological order.

    There is a website lulu.com that does an excellent — and relatively inexpensive — job of printing books. You’re allowed to print a single copy, or even hundreds.

    I’m wrapping up my 5th family photo book. If you want any advice, feel free to ask.

    In the mean time, you just have to get through the next day. Maybe the next hour.

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  8. Cederq Avatar
    Cederq

    My mother passed away of dementia in Feb of 2007 and for the previous two years I took care of her at their home. Four months later find out dad had an undiagnosed brain tumor(glioblastoma multiforme) that was in an advanced stage. Dad died within two months. I too, had power of attorney over both parents as they thought being a nurse(mom was a nurse) would make the best decisions. It was an honor and a privilege to care for them and see to their needs and dignity. They both died at home. I had been especially close to my parents all my life, trading weird and horror stories of working in a hospital with mom, dad opening up to me after I got back from my Army stint and coming home from Bosnia he could relate to what he experienced in WW2 over in Germany with a son that too had combat exposure. My parents grew up as children in the Great Depression and taught all of us kids(six) the meaning of being frugal and not be swayed by money or fancy things.

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  9. Old NFO Avatar
    Old NFO

    May he rest in peace. Know that he’s no longer in pain and suffering.

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  10. Midwest Chick Avatar
    Midwest Chick

    p2–My folks seemed so wise–I’m still waiting for the wisdom bucket to drop on my head. I am sorry for your loss.

    Unferth–I am sorry for the loss of your grandson and can see how that would take any tears you might have. It must be difficult to be the last one standing–and kind of lonely. My dad’s loss was nine years ago, mom’s was seven. I have mementos and other reminders and think of my dad every time Blue Bloods comes on (we’d sit and watch it together).

    Cederq–My mom’s dementia was rough. Until it wasn’t. Both my folks got sick in different ways at the same time and we had to choose facility placements–memory care and skilled care, respectively. Thank you for sharing your story–they are still alive in your memories.

    NFO–I’m so glad that we didn’t have to go those extra steps and I know that he’s in a better place. I’m not sure why today was the day to write about it since it was so long ago, but there you are.

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  11. Nemo Avatar
    Nemo

    MWC and all, Sorry for your loss. Both my parents are gone also, last decade. Both lived well into their 90’s, so they has a good run.

    Remember the good times. Forget everything else because at the end most of it doesn’t matter.

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    1. Midwest Chick Avatar
      Midwest Chick

      Nemo–True words–thanks!

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  12. Gerry Avatar
    Gerry

    I hope when people mention his name , you smile.

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  13. wheels Avatar
    wheels

    My condolences. Losing a loved one is difficult.

    My dad once told me that, if he felt his mind going, he was going to disappear so that he wouldn’t be a burden on us. He never had to – he died of a sudden heart attack while he was visiting to celebrate my 50th birthday.

    Cederq – My girlfriend had dementia. I took care of her for the last three years of her life. It was tough, but I couldn’t have looked in the mirror had I not been there for her.

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  14. Firehand Avatar
    Firehand

    Sounds like he did. And bless him for it.

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  15. Reltney McFee Avatar
    Reltney McFee

    Odd how/when the “memory bug” bites you, isn’t it?

    I pray you found/find solace in your memories.

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  16. Midwest Chick Avatar
    Midwest Chick

    Gerry–I do!

    wheels–Thanks. I do wonder if they willed those events. Dementia is a tough thing. My dad had just a smidge, my mom was full-on. I think Feral Irishman had this on his blog a long time ago. https://youtu.be/fOYpFhxEptE?feature=shared It helped.

    Firehand–He was a good man and a great dad.

    Reltney–Yeah, was out of the blue. Thank you!

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